First Steps Back

“Hannah is doing fine, detoxing and participating in group sessions as much as possible”

My mother rings the rehab clinic every day to get an update on Hannah’s condition. The first couple of updates were grim. “Hannah has been struggling with the detox ” they said or ” Hannah has had a really bad night but is smiling this morning”. Images of my sister would hit me in the pit of my stomach: Hannah vomiting, Hannah crying, Hannah soaked to the bone in cold sweats. The list of sufferings goes on. But my husband reminded me that this was the easy bit, the good bit – the heroin is being exorcised. What will remain in the cold light of day will be the real challenge. The truth. The feelings. The reality.

It was June 2007 when I first found out my sister was a heroin addict. It was my sons first birthday. A first birthday is always an emotional time for a parent. A milestone. And we wanted to celebrate it with our nearest and dearest. We organised a lunch in my grandmother’s communal garden and low and behold it was a beautiful sunny day. I can’t remember how long it had been since I’d seen Hannah. We’d really drifted apart since I’d had my baby. I remember calling and calling and not understanding why she didnt call back. After a while I just stopped gave up.

She turned up for his birthday. Late. But she’d turned up. She was so thin. She was wearing a black and white wraparound top that had belonged to my mother and she wore cuffs that covered her wrists. I knew something was wrong. She went for a walk with my father. I could tell from their stance they were having a deep and meaningful. The moment passed and we enjoyed the celebration..my son even took his first steps in front of an encouraging crowd. When the time had come to pack up and leave I asked my father what had happened. He didnt want to say…and I wasnt going to leave it.

I asked my father if she’d tried to kill herself. Suicide attempts are something I’m tuned into. I’ve stood on their sidelines before..

He said no. I asked again why it was she was covering up her wrists.

He relented ‘she is hiding tracks’ he said.

“What do you mean?” I didnt understand.

I can’t remember his exact words but I remember the look on his face and the feeling of shock, disbelief and panic I felt all over my body. NO. NO. It couldnt be. No. Please no. Not her. Not us.

My parents drove away. And my husband, son and I drove my sister home and all the while we were trying to come to terms with what had been said, she was passing out in the front seat of our car..